only two things are certain...
... yeah.
and what a bummer when they come so close together.
gah.
a real entry soon... ish. promise!
{thank you all for your sweet words and prayers. i love you bunches and thank God for you!}
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... yeah.
and what a bummer when they come so close together.
gah.
a real entry soon... ish. promise!
{thank you all for your sweet words and prayers. i love you bunches and thank God for you!}
...quietly and in a fair amount of peace. mom and dad were there to see her go. she called dad's name, took what would be her final breath and was gone.
i've never had a prayer answered so precisely and so quickly and it left me feeling shaken. all at once feeling horrible for having prayed such a thing but then.... trying to remember to show thanks for the expediant fulfilment of the prayer.
*sigh*
i know, when i can look logically at the situation, that this is better but then.... to realize that you literally just got off the floor from praying for God to "take someone on" and in a matter of minutes, you get a call telling you this 'someone' has taken a turn for the worse. their body has begun to shut down and the doctor says it is a matter of hours now.
*shudder*
i'm still very troubled by what's happened. but that's another post.
it looks like this will be a long, drawn-out thing as the funeral home had four other people brought in ahead of mamaw that same day... and we have a few people who won't be able to get here for a day or two.
in the meantime, there is the matter of music. dad is very picky about that and there just isn't anyone he knows who's still singing that he wants to sing. he asked me if i thought sis and i could sing with him.
*wha??* i told him maaaybe if i didn't have to see anyone's face... and better yet, if we could sing from the little "music room" beside the foyer out front so i couldn't hear anyone, either... and even then it would still depend on what song we sang. it's hard enough to sing at a stranger's funeral, let me tell you. but to sing at your own mamaw's?!? (even though we did do that for our other grandma--but that was different.. long story)
anyhow.. a buddy of tommy's has a recording studio soooo we could go record the songs and let them play through the speaker system and save ourselves all that emotional turmoil. i just hope this guy can be around to do the recording!
*siiigh*
so anyhow.... it's pretty much kinda like a dazed chaos here. dad and mom both seem to be doing okay. there are, of course, tons of calls to make and take, so they're staying busy. i know you can try and prepare yourself for this kinda thing and i know daddy's been doing that for a good year now. and he's always been a great stoic in times like these.
i just happened to call to check on things about 5 minutes after mamaw passed, and i heard the tears in daddy's voice. surprising really, considering how he is... but when i didn't say anything back immediately, he answered back with no trace of those tears and said, "now, geannie, she's in a better place. she's not hurting and she's happy. be happy for her and not sad."
to which i answered, with my tears held back, "okay, daddy. what do you need me to do?"
so... now i'm off to go find the answer to that.
blessings---
mamaw's in the hospital. nurse-cousin appeared to do her "swoop in and save the day" thing (which was good... she should have, cuz mom was just not able!) and got mamaw in to see her nephrologist (kidney doc). he was working out of his office in another county, closer to nurse-cousin's house, which is waaaay far from nursing home, but anyhow... she ended up calling me about this stuff because she couldn't reach my parents.
the night before, dad had taken both the boys on a job that turned out to be a nasty one that lasted til about 6am, so he had been sleeping with phones off and mom was running errands. guess nurse-cousin just lost their cell numbers. *sigh* anyhow, it was fine that she called me. kept mom from feeling as if n/c was somehow accusing mom or whatever. cuz that was the first thing out of mom's mouth... how she couldn't take mamaw to the doctor since she can't even get up by herself anymore and how she'd have to get 'blah-blah' (name of disabled transport company) to come get her and then she'd have a real fit, etc., etc.
anyhow, i calmed mom down because to me at least, n/c didn't sound that way at all. it may well have been a different story had she talked to mom, though. anyhow.... mamaw's blood tests were not coming back very good. and it looked like the doc would recommend her going to hospital.
unless she was practically dying and two docs agreed or whatever, my dad is the only one with legal authority to have mamaw put in hospital. n/c can't do that on her own.
i didn't think they'd do it last night, but they did. this morning, mom calls to ask if the boys can come help load up mamaw's recliner and tv, etc. so they can clear out her room at the nursing home. (it's in another county, remember?) the plan was to get her into the one here in town... where she's been on the waiting list for over three years!! mom had her put on it because she knew how hard it was to get someone in there!
and quite obviously so because after planning to clear out the current room, she finds out that it's slim to nil that a room will become available within the next four days (that's as long as m3dic@re will pay to hold the current room!) so... now we're back to leaving her stuff (except for going to get her "most stealable small stuff") for the four days, seeing how well she is doing in the hospital and then contemplating whether or not to let the room go and risk not being able to get a room here (or anywhere within a 5 county area!!!) or coughing up money to hold the room. *siiigh* that's what daddy had to do last time.
and we're pretty fed up with how this home is "taking care" of mamaw. waiting til a problem is "A PROBLEM" and then chasing their tails to try and fix it. ??? that's not good health care!!! gah!
anyhow.. at least if she was closer to home, we could keep a closer eye on her... we could reach out and smack a doc's head if he wasn't doing what he should be... we could keep a constant glare on the nurses, etc. so they'd know we were watching them. (nancze, if you're around... you know i'm not griping at you here... but i know you know this kinda stuff happens, too... and i think lotsa time it's the doc's fault too... the nurses and aides are terrified to make one move til doc says (red tape, anyone?) and most of the time he/she has so little an idea of the patient's actual condition, they let it go til it's really bad, etc. *sigh*)
gah... so we're in limbo and mom's in a terrible state worried to death that there'll be no other option than for her to take mamaw home and care for her. that would be an awful situation because
#1 - mom would so resent it. (long story there, but believe me, she has a right)
#2 - she'd kill herself trying to care for mamaw
#3 - mamaw would take advantage of mom
#4 - not one single relative would offer a helping hand (excluding me, i mean! -- i'm talking about all those who've sat around saying "call if you need anything, i'll be right here to help" yeah...riiiiight)
#5 - it would literally kill my mother. i've watched her almost wither away before while trying to tend to two other elderly relatives, again from dad's side of the family.. while not one other blood relative offered to see to them.
#6 - there would never be one word of thanks offered. that is, not unless a profound change took place. dad's relatives have never been given to thanking my mother for her selfless help in times of need.
i just don't think i could stand to see that happen. mom and dad, mom especially, have always tried to keep me out of the down-and-dirty of things like this... so i'm pretty clueless about some things and who did or didn't do what, etc.... but i do believe i know enough about what my mother HAS done for many, MANY of dad's relatives to be able to bawl out the rest of them for shamelessly wanting to dump mamaw on my mom. they've been encouraging her (mamaw) the whole time each time she'd start talking about how she could come home.... "why sure you would do better at home. phyllis could come and check on you during the day, etc., etc. and so forth" mindlessly volunteering my mom for care duty. when they have NO CLUE how much mom has on her plate and how little energy she has.
GAH!!!!!!
*sigh* sorry. i just get SO MAD when i think about this stuff. it's just endless. she (mom) told me yesterday that she had a nightmare. then she talked about something else for a minute, then she proceeded to tell me about this nightmare... seems in the nightmare, dad's brother had gone and pulled mamaw out of the home and while mom and dad sat completely unaware at their house, uncle backed up to their door and was "unloading" mamaw with all her stuff on their doorstep!!!!!
yes. now that was indeed a nightmare. and it told me exactly what her worst fear is. she is terrified of having to take care of mamaw.
i love my mamaw, don't get me wrong. but i know how she has treated my mother and for that, i have reserved the right to not like her so much. when my mom's oldest brother died, i was just a toddler... dad's brother's marriage was as usual, on the rocks and mamaw had his three kids.. the youngest was about 4 years older than me... they (mamaw & papaw) were in the middle of stripping tobacco at that time.... but mamaw told mom she couldn't watch me while mom went to be with her family. even though she had the other three right there in the barn with her and i was old enough to walk and had spent lots of days with the family in the barn just like that while mom helped work.... over and over... things like that hurt my mom and let her know how mamaw felt about her.
but who ended up being there whenever mamaw needed help? uncle's wife? um... no. they divorced and she's in georgia and the woman he married next was a pure loon. (she's now in and out of mental institutions and yes, they're still married) so my mother feels extremely used and unappreciated, but she'd never turn her back on anyone in a time of need. everyone just walks all over her.
i despise that.
*long weary sigh*
sorry... i didn't mean for this to be a long railing rant, but there you are. that's where i am today. worrying about my mother. instead, i must pray!!! pray for peace to settle in her mind. for the Lord to take all fear and anger from her spirit and give her a sense of peace... allow her to just trust in Him for whatever comes next. stop making up "what if's" and just build up her faith so that no matter what, she can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth her. :) (Phillipians 4:13)
same goes for me... i need peace and strength above all. the tension just starts knotting up inside me. for mamaw's sake, i hope she doesn't just linger on in pain. for all out sakes, really. that just isn't good for anyone. mamaw is already miserable because to begin with she WALKED into the er and after two weeks in hospital, she came out UNABLE to walk (negligence of doctor, imho!!!!) and now she is in this state. this woman who has always been mistaken for being a good 20-25 years younger than she really is... it's been very hard for her to go so quickly from quite able-bodied to this state of utter frailty. i can't imagine. well, yes, i can.... but you never ever want to. it's an ugly frightening thing to imagine. and yet, it is so.
please pray if you think of it. oh... also another prayer request that's a little more pressing... tommy has been made several offers on this 'new' truck of his. it's a really really good truck. the best one he's ever had, really. it runs good and all but like two things work (needs new wiper motor for delayed wipers) and something else.. minor stuff. anyhow... he's got about $800 in the thing... and it's worth way more... and he's been offered 2K. a very decent offer.
that's really great and he'd be jumping at it except that the money won't be 'free'... we need to pay property taxes and catch up a couple of other bills with it. we could probably leave about $800 of it for him to use to get another truck... but as for finding another sweetheart of a truck like this one? it's not very likely. but we really need the money... but we have another car to drive if the explorer were to go down or something....
but it's a great truck.... but we really need the money.
see? tommy's going nuts about it. i told him i sure didn't know what to do. this truck is an automatic, which means even i can drive it! *woo!* most he finds are manuals.... *sigh* i told him maybe this is where faith comes in. his dilemma is not knowing. he wants to KNOW what the Lord wants him to do. how can we ever KNOW that for certain til we actually do something? or are we realllly supposed to know for certain before we actually DO something??? *sigh* it's hard. but he needs to make a decision today.
TODAY.
please pray for a clear direction on this. it would be muchly appreciated.
thank you all sooooo much!
better entry soon, i promise. gotta run.
love ya!
that would be my overly sp@mm3d comments!!! grrr! how i hate all the crud that comes in through there!
i thought requiring an email addy would slow that down, but neeeeoooo. i thought moderation would help, but uh-uh. maybe using the white lister would make things easier. well, it did because it kept me from having to go approve or delete each and every comment that came through, meaning all my buddy's comments could be published instantly.
and that led to me just deleting all the other stuff from my email. how easy was that?
til i had to go approve that comment corey left a couple of posts down... with a bogus email. grrr! always buggin' me!
so i ended up in the dadblasted comments looking at all those little orange triangles that meant the comment hadn't been approved. nor should they be!! most are nasty stuff. another portion are things like credit and mortgage offers - gah! the others are links to who knows what! *sigh*
i had TONS of that stuff in there!! and they don't just come along and post to your recent entries. noooo. they go waaay back to ancient stuff and leave this crap. why? who knows.
so, i went through and junked it all, the whole time wondering how i could minimize this kinda thing without having to close commenting altogether! (unthinkable!) then i remembered the ban capabilities!!!
*smacks forehead* duh! so i banned like 2000 or so people from commenting here! muwah-ha-ha-ha!!!! go away you stupid crudola people!!! bah! you should be ashamed of yourselves!!!
*sigh*
anyhow.. it's possible that i may have accidentally banned someone who is a real person but doesn't comment so often. if i did, i'm so sorry. please email me here and i'll unban you asap! lol!
alrighty... off to wash the pancake batter out of my hair.
what? yeah... you read me right.
oh... i guess that'll have to wait til another post.
*hee hee*
welp, i had a right good start on one of those "year in review" posts last night. i left it when tommy made noises of interest in watching the men's dvd from no greater joy, so i immediately ran to put it in the player and turn in on, etc... (um.. he doesn't know how lol!) and the first time, i came back to my work on my post because i thought maybe he didn't want me in there while he was getting a brow beating. *heh*
later, i heard snoring and shortly thereafter, tommy called out for me to come into the living room, so i went in there again and sat with him. i realized that there were women sitting in on the message on the recording (it was sorta like a seminar/teaching session in a church) so i stayed.
poor tommy *siiiiiigh* kept dozing off and he was trying so hard (for awhile) to stay awake... i finally just gave up on him and turned it off and went back to save the post... and i find that someone had used my computer, nay my WINDOW, and had used it to surf to other pages thereby zapping all my work into cyber dust.
i was so irritated... *sigh*... but i held my tongue and just let it go. thus the title.
whatever.
it's all rainy around here. temps are so-called "mild", but i seem to be cold most of the time. urgh.
sis came to me the other day saying she "had a bone to pick" with me. huh? she said the pastor's wife had come up to her (that's kinda the way she does.. she just comes up and gets in your space, y'know? *heh*) and asked how she was doing... sis: "uh... okay..." pw: "well geannie told me you were having some female problems..." !?!?!?!????? wha??! good grief!
i thought and i thought about when and what i'd talked to and said to her... it's not like we ever just sat down and had a long conversation. most of our 'conversing' was in passing... short exchanges before or after church services or in between trying to tame their kid when they come over here. *ack!!* the ONLY thing i can think that i MIGHT have said (but i swear, i don't remember saying anything... i just can't positively swear that i didn't... *sigh*) was maybe i mentioned that i thought her birth control pills were interfering with her seizure meds.
now you tell me H-O-W does that translate into F-E-M-A-L-E PROBLEMS?!?!??!?!
good grief. that kinda thing just bugs me. i just hope it wasn't me who actually started the whole thing. *siiiiIIIIiiiigh*
okay, so i'm trying not to go off the deep end over this kinda thing. and man, what effffort it takes!! it just really bothers me when it involves someone besides me and the person i feel is skewing what was said. or...
whatever. i am striving to no longer be a person who blows up [throws a hissy; has a cow; flips her lid; goes nuts; sees red; comes unglued; etc., etc.]
boy howdy! am i getting convicted even as i write. now, really, i am not a p.r. rep. for the folks at ngj and them pearls... but i'm listening to the free downloads of mike's series of teaching on the book of romans. man. he doesn't beat around the bush. that's a forewarning to those who are heading over to get those downloads right now. and i encourage you to listen. even if you don't subscribe to the baptist beliefs, i guarantee you'll learn something you didn't know. i dare you to go listen. ;Þ or....
whatever. you can choose not to learn something new.
if nothing else, i'm playing this one for tommy asap. [everything from 00:00 to the end (of the series!) but specifically 19:49-21:40] right now, he's trying to get the brakes fixed. the plan was to simply "bleed" them, but they ended up getting locked and blah, blah, blah... that simple 15 minute job has turned out being a 4 hour job. yep. i thought he'd be right home, but he wasn't so...
whatever. i choose not to get upset.
okay, so... um, wanted to let ya'll know the changes to my basal settings have helped a lot with the crazy blood sugars. what a relief! *whew!*
i've had my share of migraines, but not any really horrible ones lately and so i'm thankful for that.
i'm finally starting to make some headway on this house!! finally! gah! it was getting really horrible!
the Christmas stuff is still out, but i have started gathering it up so that i can be ready to put it in the boxes once we get all the totes down from the attic. *blech*
i splurged and bought myself a cute little tart warmer thingie at the 'vendor mall' the other day. it's the perma-sorta flea market type-a place where my mom has her booth. there are a few really fancy booths in there. i've never had any tarts or such, but when i saw this cute burner with the exact colors of my kitchen with sunflowers even, i reasoned with myself that it was decoration and not just something to melt wax and smell nice.
whatever. *heh*
anyhow, the tart jiggies i got with it just weren't what i wanted. sweet temptation or something like that. *blah* way too floral and sweet. i didn't like that wafting around the kitchen. so i stopped by the mall again and found another booth with much larger tarts that were even a little cheaper. that i found yummy vanilla! noooow, i have a smooth, delicious smell that carries all the way into my living room without overpowering the kitchen where the burner sits.
i discovered something else in there. this awesome booth with tons of um.. i dunno exactly what to call it... it's like new england/colonial/primative decor. i know some one out there probably has a whole houseful of it, so tell me what you call it! PLEASE! i'm looking for MORE! lol!
this booth is so cheap. i suppose they get their stuff as overstock or something, but it's all brand new and in great shape. i bought a cute square stoneware jar with a rooster painted on it and a little glass candle holder inside. then i bought this set of wooden letters about 2.5 or 3" tall painted and scuffed up with weathered wires in them for hanging. they spell welcome (unless you hang them up wrong! lol!) today, i went back to get something i'd been dying to have... it was only $6, but it was just so perfect for an odd wall area of the kitchen. it's a small "fence plank" section with an adorable home and trees painted on it. curly wire wound with tiny florals serve as a hanger.
i just love it! i've decided that i will just get an item every so often as i get a few bucks here or there. (IF i get some bucks, that is! lol!) anyhow... i've just fallen in love with some of the stuff they have there and it's so affordable (probably straight from asia, i guess?... haven't seen any infamous stickers yet, tho) i figure i'll just start building a little treasury of decor... and um.. well, decor with it. LOL!
whatever.
okay... well, i've been the larger part of the afternoon writing this. between phone calls, laundry loads and supper cooking (yep, actually fixed supper... which is why no one was home. it never ever fails) so now the big boy is home. tommy and case are still working on that dadblasted truck. (biting of the tongue here)
they did at least come home and eat. gah. i have to go call tucker back in and check on the dryer. then i'll need to clean up the supper mess (meatball heros), unload and load the dishwasher.. then i'm hitting the hay.
or whatever.
;)
g'night!