Society for the Preservation of My Sanity

okay, so finally a post-Christmas post. *heh*

well, i mean this is not my usual melancholy. this is different. this is serious and not a specific melancholy.

like our gentleman oscar slapping the mother-in-law title on me fresh after the engagement! *sheesh* man! i'm about to flip what with 40 staring me in my cataract-y, bifocal-needing, bleary, bloodshot, droopy eyeballs! don't be layin' mother-in-law on me too!

*heh* funny how we attach certain conotations to certain words? i have to admit that my first reaction to the word (words?.. hm...) mother-in-law is not one of peace and serenity. that's because, sadly, most of the interaction with my mother-in-law hasn't been that way.

let me quickly interject here that over the years, our relationship has gotten much MUCH better. and i know MILs i'd rather die than have as my own... so i have to be thankful for mine.... but we don't have a cozy relationship. but it is a good one. it's just that "title", for lack of a better term... it carries so many awful or silly or scary images, ya know? for me, it's an automatic reaction to just tense up when i hear it. so to be called that? how's that for weird? gah! i'm trying to think up another word....

as for all that melancholy stuff... well, this Christmas seemed especially hard. most all of you know my maternal grandmother died on Christmas morning of '02. it's hard to lose someone on a holiday like that. it always lingers over every preceeding celebration. even though we knew grandma wasn't going to last much longer, it was still a shock.

and then there is the way all plans for the day are disrupted. corey was just 13 and casey only 9 when grandma died. i remember they got a k'nex big ball tower. it had over 2,000 pieces! they were so excited and had just got it opened when i got the news from daddy about grandma. they knew what had happened and that i was leaving to go help with things because she was dead. i was gone for about 3 hours and had only come home because mom threatened me. she kept telling me basically that i was "too weak" to be there, etc. her words were "you will get too tired" and "you need to rest". actually...those are the same things grandma always said to mom whenever she came to take care of her at the nursing home.

*sigh*

so anyhow.... all those memories hang over my Christmases and i know they bring mommy down too. she's getting better with each passing year i think... but after the final gathering (breakfast at my house on Christmas morning) she starts looking vacant and sad and wants to leave for the cemetery. i'm glad that now, at least, she comes back looking more peaceful than used to.

this year, i thought i was going to end up at the hospital or in bed before all the gatherings were over. i really had some major pain going on with my back. after my MILs episode with her leg and having to help her get around, well, that put some real strain on my back. that was the 20th.

on the 21st, we tried to get some errands run and such. my back was bothering me a little, but nothing out of the ordinary. anyhow... my leg started hurting!!!!! i couldn't believe it, and i didn't dare tell any of them. weirder still, it started after a trip to the bathroom (a number one trip, okay?!) it was in the middle of my thigh and felt like a circulation thing except that it would shoot down my leg and around my hip to my back occasionally.

like i said, i tried to keep it to myself. after about an hour, the pain wore off. i figured it was just some fluke and forgot about it.

my sugars had been high that day, so i was drinking a lot of water so....well, you know... i had to make another trip and darnit if it didn't happen again!!!??? anyhow, this time it hurt worse & was very painful to walk. one of the guys asked what was up with me and i said, "i'm not telling" so then tommy thought aunt flo had descended upon me.

*sheesh!!!* after another trip to the toilet and trying to not put any weight on the right side and STILL ending up with even more excruciating pain, i finally had to tell. "my leg is hurting." at this point, i could barely walk.

corey suggested the heat pad, which was a huge relief and helped ease the pain sooner, but it was so much worse... it took about 3 hours before it was really better.

i was getting really worried and kinda mad thinking what the heck am i gonna do? it won't do much good to go to my GP as he's really not much help except for the very basics and so who else do you go to??? but thank God it was better the next morning and didn't bother me again.

the 22nd, we busted rump around here trying to get everything ready for the BIG DAY (engagement/charades/freaky-me-out day!! woot) since i'd been either gone or unable to get around for a few days, things were NOT going according to The List. *sigh*

we just worked and worked... putting up stuff, cleaning, putting stuff up, cleaning, putting things away, cleaning and putting stuff where it belonged. *heh* by the end of the day, my back was feeling pretty raunchy. I was just thankful that my leg didn't hurt too!

so then decemeber 23rd. THE day arrived. the day corey had talked about for over a month now. and?? we still had a lot of stuff to do. my back was still bad, but i just kept at it. after all the little nit-picky stuff there always is to do, we barely h ad everything done and those pesky lindas... they arrived precisely on time (unlike the pathetic geannies, who are a l w a y s late no matter what!), so i didn't even have time to put on any makeup!! egads!!

anyhow, like usual, when you have other things going on, good company and exciting events happening, the pain is somehow easier to push aside and that's what i did that night. as described in this post, things went marvelously. i made it through all the festivities and only had a medium collapse after it was all over.

Christmas eve of course, we had church and thank God we all had clothes ready. i don't think i could've ironed one stroke that morning. tommy rubbed my back down with some freezone stuff and i hobbled to church. remember, the church we attend now is just starting up and uses padded folding chairs. you'd think they'd be comfy enough, but with an achy back? man, they're really tough on you! i am usually good til about halfway through the sermon, then i start having to move around to find a more comfortable position, etc.

anyhow, we had prepared ingredients for potato soup ahead of time and that had been slow-cooking while we were gone. the aroma was a pleasant welcome home! i got home to find that my sugar was high... a bit over 300...which meant i couldn't eat any potato soup til it went down. :*( what a bummer. but somehow it didn't knock the wind out of me like it might have in the past. we all sat in the living room, the guys eating soup and garlic bread and me downing my water like a good hyperglycemic diabetic, while watching the end of some Christmas movie.

after, we opened the blessing jar. tommy, who admittedly hadn't kept up with writing his paper every day, ended up reading most of them... and crying. the things the rest of us had written seemed to overwhelm him. i told the guys that for this year, i wanted to keep the jar for all year, not just the month of december. we'll see how that goes.

so then we prayed together, thanking God for all these blessings and the ones we couldn't even think of, etc... and for the gift of togetherness and of course, the gift of His Son. then we opened gifts. when the boys were little, i never dreamed that it'd get so much harder to buy for them the older they got, but SHEESH!! we got corey mostly just what he picked out and told me he wanted... an emt bls pocket quick guide (basic life saving), a muscle car calendar, a day runner, and his only surprises... mustang gt emblems for his car and a box of gourmet hot sauces! lol!

for casey, we got an emt rain jacket (official, no less!), a stethoscope and a leather badge holder (so he can wear his badge on his belt when not in uniform). he also got a hoodie and a christian tshirt he'd been wanting.

tommy got a new shaver since his old one was broken. and a new sweater, a heavyduty boggin and i forget... something else...oh! a kentucky afield dvd about deer. the boys got him deer hunting stuff, too.

me? well, i almost passed out over my gift. i got this!!! see? i told you i about died!! i knew they'd been talking about getting me a new flat panel display. i've been wanting one since forever!! my monitor's been getting stupid for quite awhile... just kinda going 'in spells'. anyhow... one day tommy comes home with this 17" flat screen monitor. (i'd been using our OLD old 15" since the goofy one was just messing with my eyes too much!) so where'd he get it?

a guy at work had found it on the side of the road with the trash. yep. i'm using it now and have been for the last 3 weeks. it has a few scratches, but seems to work fine except for the fact that the window content is a tiny bit skewed to one side and it can't be adjusted out. it's not enough to affect the use of the monitor. i was thrilled!

anyhow, in the weeks before Christmas, i'd been struggling MIGHTILY with printing some wallet-sized photos of corey and melissa to send with cards and letters (that i waited til the 23rd to send!) i'd also had a horrible time trying to print some gift photos for tommy's parents before that! ended up having to burn them to cd and take them to office depot to print!! gah! my printer just wouldn't #1 - print the right colors and #2 - print at the correct placement on the paper!!! GAH!

so the guys decided to get me this photo printer and it is da bomb!! i've printed a ton of photos. i took this one on Christmas morning when mamaw was with us:

oh, that's all of us... tommy with his parents in the back, my boys on either side, my parents on the right, my sis and her hubby in the back left and me and mamawin the center.

okay, so by Christmas morning? it took all my effort to walk to the shower. actually, tommy had to help me in there. again, he rubbed me down with the stinging freezone. i put on my best face and hobbled to the kitchen.

Christmas morning breakfast is sort of a new tradition. we started it to help take mom's mind off grandma's death. give her a reason to get out of the house and something else to think about for awhile. it was also a way to keep mamaw from insisting that we crowd into her little trailer. there's just so much more room up here. plus, it keeps tommy's parents from spending the day alone, too.

*sigh* it is always a tall order, but this year, just the way things worked out, it was monumental! i honestly didn't know if i'd make it. tommy's parents arrived first, as usual. i don't care that they come. i don't mind that at all, but i resent the way he behaves. see the photo up there and then this one below? it's like they have to prove what a tight family they are, etc. and they will all tend to act as if there's no one else around... for instance

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when the three of them sat on the couch together here (that's tommy's head peepin' over mamaw's cotton-puffy hair there), fil pulled a box of photos from under the coffee table and he and mil, and then tommy started looking through them. mamaw, as you can see, is in the wheelchair at the end of the couch and corey, dad and i are sitting on the love seat at the other end... but when they were done with a batch of photos, they'd stick them back in the envelope and put them back in the box. *rolling eyes wearily*

that's just the kind of thing they do. after about a half hour of that kinda thing, with poor mamaw leaning over trying to get a peek i reached into the box for a package of pix. fil says in a kinda irritated voice, "no, she's [meaning mil]already looked at those!"

{just fyi::: you're reading nothing i haven't already talked to tommy about, so i'm sorry to bust yer bubble, but i'm not airing my dirty laundry. lol!}

and if you knew me in person, (linda? lol!) you'd be able to hear my response... "i don't care if she's looked at 'em. i'm takin' these to mamaw to look at!" then i think i added "silly" or some such before an uncomfortable tension settled in the room. even though... everyone else is used to that kinda behavior... from me AND them. *heh*

so anyhow, finally the rest of us got to look at pix from years gone by... the boys on camping trips, in diapers, with buddies, fishing trips, etc., etc.. what memories.

mamaw opened her gifts from us. i'd given her a decorated sweatshirt from cracker barrel. she seemed to like it. it's so hard to buy for her anymore, ya know?

i felt so bittersweet the whole time she was there. i talked with her about silly things and just recent events or what was going on with other family members and how things had been going for her at the home. but it wasn't until they were getting ready to leave that i had to tell her what i'd been thinking for such a long time...

i hadn't been to see mamaw in almost 2 months. seems like everytime i had planned to go, something would happen. either something with me, or the vehicle or someone/something else. but most of it was me. i just hadn't felt able to go. there was the viral outbreak that i didn't want to expose myself to... maybe i should have? then there's been all this crapola going on with my sugars.

it's been lots worse than i've told you. stuff going on almost daily sometimes. (more on this later, perhaps)

anyhow, i eased down to tell mamawhow bad i felt for not getting down there to see her more often. the tears came then. i told her i wanted to come so many times, but i just didn't have the energy, or i was just plain sick because of the lows. then she started to cry and kissed my forehead. that's uncommon for mamaw, but then she said she didn't want me to make a trip if it hurt me and that she loved me.

all the guys helped get her outside and off the porch. i buckled her into the car and we cried and talked some more.

i don't know how many more Christmases we'll have mamaw with us. i wonder if this was the last one? i was thankful that i got that group picture. i usually don't insist on doing that. but i'm starting now.

i thought about how much more at ease sis's hubby is with all of us. he actually talks to us now! seriously. it's a gigantic step compared to before! same goes for somebody else new to the family. *wink*

but bil really needs Jesus. i thought about how we're in all these different situations and we're always there to show Jesus to someone. it doesn't have to be a lost person. we Christians need to be reminded that Jesus lives in us, too. it's a little pick-me-up to see Jesus in our fellow man. it is a blessing to see it.

when everyone had gone after Christmas breakfast, the four of us just kinda spontaneously gathered around the island in the kitchen and said "it was all worth it" ahhhh. and even though i am still suffering with back pain, i agree.

who knows if we'll all be together like that ever again? who knows if you'll see that person at the store again? on the bus/train.. at that intersection? soon the 'daily grind' will take us over again and all the warm fuzzies of the season will slip away. make a commitment to remember... do a good deed. say a kind word. give a friendly wave or a smile.

showing Jesus isn't so hard. it's keeping the heart right that is the challenge.

i commit to trying harder to being a kinder person. to remembering that i have no promise of tomorrow. this may be my last breath...the last clack of my keyboard. Lord, help me to make it count for You.
in Jesus' name
--amen

i know this is scattered and choppy and just plain nuts, but thanks for reading.

God bless you!