Society for the Preservation of My Sanity

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Okay...there is a reason for the lid on the seat. It's so we all don't have to look in the toilet all the time...or so the kids don't play in the potty...or the dog doesn't drink out of it...or things don't fall into it (like your car/hunting/golfing/gaming magazines?).

Thank you.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
Actually, Moon phases and Tide changes are nothing like sports. Those are things God made and things that have True and Recognizable Seasons. Sports are CONSTANT. You CAN be entirely ridiculous about them. Moderation in all things.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
I agree. How about that?!

1. Crying is blackmail.
Not always. The sensitivity comes in here again. Use your head for something besides storing sports scores or opening season dates, okay? Think outside yourself for a minute or two and find out the reason for the tears. You're a big boy. I'm sure you could figure it out....

And if you're with a girl (because WOMEN aren't petty enough to use "blackmail") who's vain enough to cry you into submission, then maybe you're shopping in the wrong store?

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
Okay, this one is 50:50. Sometimes, yes, it is best to just spit it out, which is usually hard for a woman. Other times, there are things a man should KNOW. Like when it's your anniversary, or when it's her birthday. Grow a brain, how about it? We are NOT your external brains, PDA's, reminder services, mommys, etc. Got it?.

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
Agreed. And "I forgot" is almost never.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

DISAGREE.
If a husband can't give his wife sympathy, what good is he? If a wife can't turn FIRST to her husband with ANY problem, then he isn't being a good husband. Period.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.
Most definitely. It's probably a too-mah. You should probably go along with her. Chances are, you're the carrier.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
Nope. If you say it, you'd better mean it. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut. There's not much that makes us angrier than when you say something you don't intend to follow through with (or you conveniently forget about). A MAN should mean what he says. Boys say things they can't back up.

So which one are YOU?

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Well, I for one have no use for soap opera guys OR victoria secret girls. so that's settled.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
I wouldn't dream of it. But if you're thoughtless and heartless enough to tell me I'm fat or hint at it, then you don't deserve a woman anyway.

You need a dog instead. One that farts and slobbers at least as much as you do.
.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
Your new word for the day: SENSITIVITY.

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Wow. Now let's hold a mirror up, boys, and say that. Works both ways, fellas.

1. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
And we always thought it was just the children who needed limits set on their TV time. Of course, we were naive enough to think we were dating adults too...(some of us, thankfully, were!)

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
Obviously, you guys haven't been watching the History Channel, huh? Mr. Columbus DID need directions since he thought he was in Asia instead of The Carribean Islands his first time out.

Hit the "OFF" button, put down the remote AND READ something that doesn't have bendy covers!

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Everyone knows most men are color blind. At least THIS woman has and will NEVER send a man to make any purchases involving colors.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
It is the hope of civilized women AND men everywhere that at least you might have enough self-control and dignity to do your scratching in private and not in public as if it is yet some other spectator sport you compete in.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If we say nothing is wrong, it's because it's too much hassle to attempt to use small words to communicate with you again. We know you'd rather blurt out a hurried "I'm sorry" so you can get us off your back, so why bother? We know you don't give a crap anyway, but learning to live with it (if we're opposed to divorce or have too little self-image to leave you) takes a long time.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Good. Then don't expect to hear that you look like a fine manly-man in your sweat-stained t-shirt, ripped baggy sweats and we want you bad with your unshaven face and unwashed pits and your unchanged tightie-yellowies that reek and the comb-over look just makes us wanna get nasty right there in the basement beside the mini-beer-fridge and TV set while M*nster G@r@g3 is on, uhkay?

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
See above. Oh, and don't ever EVER say "Find me somethin' to wear right quick, honey."

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
So, you mean "Never ask us anything or expect to have a conversation with us unless we are *in da mooood*." Right?

1. You have enough clothes.
According to who? You? And you know about my clothes how??

1. You have too many shoes.
How would you know? Have you looked at my shoes? For that matter, have you ever looked at my feet?

1. I am in shape Round IS a shape!
Therefore, I am in shape also. Stop your bitching.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Good thing.