Society for the Preservation of My Sanity

mamaw's in the hospital. nurse-cousin appeared to do her "swoop in and save the day" thing (which was good... she should have, cuz mom was just not able!) and got mamaw in to see her nephrologist (kidney doc). he was working out of his office in another county, closer to nurse-cousin's house, which is waaaay far from nursing home, but anyhow... she ended up calling me about this stuff because she couldn't reach my parents.

the night before, dad had taken both the boys on a job that turned out to be a nasty one that lasted til about 6am, so he had been sleeping with phones off and mom was running errands. guess nurse-cousin just lost their cell numbers. *sigh* anyhow, it was fine that she called me. kept mom from feeling as if n/c was somehow accusing mom or whatever. cuz that was the first thing out of mom's mouth... how she couldn't take mamaw to the doctor since she can't even get up by herself anymore and how she'd have to get 'blah-blah' (name of disabled transport company) to come get her and then she'd have a real fit, etc., etc.

anyhow, i calmed mom down because to me at least, n/c didn't sound that way at all. it may well have been a different story had she talked to mom, though. anyhow.... mamaw's blood tests were not coming back very good. and it looked like the doc would recommend her going to hospital.

unless she was practically dying and two docs agreed or whatever, my dad is the only one with legal authority to have mamaw put in hospital. n/c can't do that on her own.

i didn't think they'd do it last night, but they did. this morning, mom calls to ask if the boys can come help load up mamaw's recliner and tv, etc. so they can clear out her room at the nursing home. (it's in another county, remember?) the plan was to get her into the one here in town... where she's been on the waiting list for over three years!! mom had her put on it because she knew how hard it was to get someone in there!

and quite obviously so because after planning to clear out the current room, she finds out that it's slim to nil that a room will become available within the next four days (that's as long as m3dic@re will pay to hold the current room!) so... now we're back to leaving her stuff (except for going to get her "most stealable small stuff") for the four days, seeing how well she is doing in the hospital and then contemplating whether or not to let the room go and risk not being able to get a room here (or anywhere within a 5 county area!!!) or coughing up money to hold the room. *siiigh* that's what daddy had to do last time.

and we're pretty fed up with how this home is "taking care" of mamaw. waiting til a problem is "A PROBLEM" and then chasing their tails to try and fix it. ??? that's not good health care!!! gah!

anyhow.. at least if she was closer to home, we could keep a closer eye on her... we could reach out and smack a doc's head if he wasn't doing what he should be... we could keep a constant glare on the nurses, etc. so they'd know we were watching them. (nancze, if you're around... you know i'm not griping at you here... but i know you know this kinda stuff happens, too... and i think lotsa time it's the doc's fault too... the nurses and aides are terrified to make one move til doc says (red tape, anyone?) and most of the time he/she has so little an idea of the patient's actual condition, they let it go til it's really bad, etc. *sigh*)

gah... so we're in limbo and mom's in a terrible state worried to death that there'll be no other option than for her to take mamaw home and care for her. that would be an awful situation because
#1 - mom would so resent it. (long story there, but believe me, she has a right)
#2 - she'd kill herself trying to care for mamaw
#3 - mamaw would take advantage of mom
#4 - not one single relative would offer a helping hand (excluding me, i mean! -- i'm talking about all those who've sat around saying "call if you need anything, i'll be right here to help" yeah...riiiiight)
#5 - it would literally kill my mother. i've watched her almost wither away before while trying to tend to two other elderly relatives, again from dad's side of the family.. while not one other blood relative offered to see to them.
#6 - there would never be one word of thanks offered. that is, not unless a profound change took place. dad's relatives have never been given to thanking my mother for her selfless help in times of need.

i just don't think i could stand to see that happen. mom and dad, mom especially, have always tried to keep me out of the down-and-dirty of things like this... so i'm pretty clueless about some things and who did or didn't do what, etc.... but i do believe i know enough about what my mother HAS done for many, MANY of dad's relatives to be able to bawl out the rest of them for shamelessly wanting to dump mamaw on my mom. they've been encouraging her (mamaw) the whole time each time she'd start talking about how she could come home.... "why sure you would do better at home. phyllis could come and check on you during the day, etc., etc. and so forth" mindlessly volunteering my mom for care duty. when they have NO CLUE how much mom has on her plate and how little energy she has.

GAH!!!!!!

*sigh* sorry. i just get SO MAD when i think about this stuff. it's just endless. she (mom) told me yesterday that she had a nightmare. then she talked about something else for a minute, then she proceeded to tell me about this nightmare... seems in the nightmare, dad's brother had gone and pulled mamaw out of the home and while mom and dad sat completely unaware at their house, uncle backed up to their door and was "unloading" mamaw with all her stuff on their doorstep!!!!!

yes. now that was indeed a nightmare. and it told me exactly what her worst fear is. she is terrified of having to take care of mamaw.

i love my mamaw, don't get me wrong. but i know how she has treated my mother and for that, i have reserved the right to not like her so much. when my mom's oldest brother died, i was just a toddler... dad's brother's marriage was as usual, on the rocks and mamaw had his three kids.. the youngest was about 4 years older than me... they (mamaw & papaw) were in the middle of stripping tobacco at that time.... but mamaw told mom she couldn't watch me while mom went to be with her family. even though she had the other three right there in the barn with her and i was old enough to walk and had spent lots of days with the family in the barn just like that while mom helped work.... over and over... things like that hurt my mom and let her know how mamaw felt about her.

but who ended up being there whenever mamaw needed help? uncle's wife? um... no. they divorced and she's in georgia and the woman he married next was a pure loon. (she's now in and out of mental institutions and yes, they're still married) so my mother feels extremely used and unappreciated, but she'd never turn her back on anyone in a time of need. everyone just walks all over her.

i despise that.

*long weary sigh*

sorry... i didn't mean for this to be a long railing rant, but there you are. that's where i am today. worrying about my mother. instead, i must pray!!! pray for peace to settle in her mind. for the Lord to take all fear and anger from her spirit and give her a sense of peace... allow her to just trust in Him for whatever comes next. stop making up "what if's" and just build up her faith so that no matter what, she can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth her. :) (Phillipians 4:13)

same goes for me... i need peace and strength above all. the tension just starts knotting up inside me. for mamaw's sake, i hope she doesn't just linger on in pain. for all out sakes, really. that just isn't good for anyone. mamaw is already miserable because to begin with she WALKED into the er and after two weeks in hospital, she came out UNABLE to walk (negligence of doctor, imho!!!!) and now she is in this state. this woman who has always been mistaken for being a good 20-25 years younger than she really is... it's been very hard for her to go so quickly from quite able-bodied to this state of utter frailty. i can't imagine. well, yes, i can.... but you never ever want to. it's an ugly frightening thing to imagine. and yet, it is so.

please pray if you think of it. oh... also another prayer request that's a little more pressing... tommy has been made several offers on this 'new' truck of his. it's a really really good truck. the best one he's ever had, really. it runs good and all but like two things work (needs new wiper motor for delayed wipers) and something else.. minor stuff. anyhow... he's got about $800 in the thing... and it's worth way more... and he's been offered 2K. a very decent offer.

that's really great and he'd be jumping at it except that the money won't be 'free'... we need to pay property taxes and catch up a couple of other bills with it. we could probably leave about $800 of it for him to use to get another truck... but as for finding another sweetheart of a truck like this one? it's not very likely. but we really need the money... but we have another car to drive if the explorer were to go down or something....

but it's a great truck.... but we really need the money.

see? tommy's going nuts about it. i told him i sure didn't know what to do. this truck is an automatic, which means even i can drive it! *woo!* most he finds are manuals.... *sigh* i told him maybe this is where faith comes in. his dilemma is not knowing. he wants to KNOW what the Lord wants him to do. how can we ever KNOW that for certain til we actually do something? or are we realllly supposed to know for certain before we actually DO something??? *sigh* it's hard. but he needs to make a decision today.

TODAY.

please pray for a clear direction on this. it would be muchly appreciated.

thank you all sooooo much!

better entry soon, i promise. gotta run.

love ya!