Society for the Preservation of My Sanity

Okay, people. You'll realize once I get on with this post that I've obviously been thinking about the topic for quite some time. I wasn't sure I'd post about it, though.

But I've decided I will. Why? Well, I'm not yet sure about that part. I've debated about whether posting my thoughts here would be
1) embarrassing to myself or
2) embarrassing to my husband or
3) make him angry instead or
4) be discouraging to anyone who knows me as a Christion (which I'd hope is everyone, but *sigh*...) or
5) all of the above.

The more I thought on it though...the more I thought it might instead be an encouragment. If nothing else, it would be an example for pointing to and saying See? I don't have it so bad! Ha! ;) or It's not just us...everyone has problems.

Anyhow, the topic? Marriage. My marriage, to be exact.

Our 21st anniversary will be here in two days. Yep. Two days. It's weird how that doesn't seem possible. I mean, 20 seemed like such a monumental accomplishment (by the grace of God!) and it's not that we're all like Oh, has it really been 21 years?! Um no. We're more like Are you sure it isn't like 81? Check the date again...

*sigh*

Maybe it's just the stage of life we're in now, but it seems every single day it becomes more obvious how little we have in common. It seems the kids and the mortgage are the only common threads that connect us to each other anymore.

Sounds dismal, eh?

I could go into a big tirade of all the long-standing disagreements we've had over the past two decades. I could recount for you the defining moments when I didn't think we were going to make it through. All the ways I feel he's abandoned me....and maybe times I've made him feel that way too. *sigh*

After all this time? It's just a literal pile of crap. Unresolved issues that, when brought up in an effort to finally resolve them...well, let's just say they n-e-v-e-r get resolved.

So anyway...it seems like perhaps maybe in the past week or so that he might be showing a little interest in trying to figure things out and make them better before it's just me and him left here with nothing to talk about. It's so hard not to just blow that off because he's like that...really gung ho about something for a day or two, then nothing.

As it stands, I just feel really sick over how we've failed at our duty to our kids, to our family, let alone to each other. I've always felt like I tried "more" to make things work. I'm not sure how Tommy feels about that, but it's my take on how it's been. I suspect he may agree. He's spent a lot of time working, very hard and very long, but all that amounted to was a lot of time away from home. As a young wife, it was hard not to be angry that he didn't spend or "want to" spend that time with me. And then there were the ideas that got planted by others...maybe he wasn't where he said he was....etc., etc. None of which was true, of course, but when you're young...ya know.

*sigh*

I just wish we'd both had better training to be a married couple, ya know? I wish we'd understood what was really important, how to communicate effectively with each other. I wish we'd been mature enough, not necessarily in age, but emotionally and spiritually, to build a stronger marriage.

Ah well...but perhaps God has had another plan in mind all along. I'm finding it hard to reach Him these days too. There are moments when I can pray earnestly for this situation, for the boys and others in my life....but then there are times I just feel there's nothing in me to reach with. Can anyone relate to that?

I know God isn't very pleased with the way we've been living our lives. Not that we're boozin' and doin' drugs now, but we're not at all where we should be with Him...we've allowed Him to be pushed to the outskirts of our lives from the center, where is His rightful place. Pushed out by worries, anger, hateful actions of others, etc., etc.

But I also know He is a forgiving God. I'm trying so hard to get back under His wing where I belong. I think Tommy might be trying too, in his own way. I pray that he is, anyway.

So....I ask that you would pray for us when it comes to your mind, please. We need emotional and spiritual healing. It seems to me everywhere I turn, there's hurt...in my marriage, bitterness from my kids (maybe? can't tell WHAT it is?!), anger at myself, deep wounds from people in churches who've tried (and succeeded somewhat) to cause division in our marriage..... We just need to heal.

So if you think of it, or when you think of me, please lift us up and know I thank God for you all everytime I think of you.

Thanks.